As many of you know, I love pies. In New Zealand, we take pies very seriously – they’re essentially the national dish; we have taken the pie and made it an artform. Our pies are so good that even an average pie from a petrol station is better than a top-quality pie in a restaurant in most other countries. If you’re a Kiwi who’s lived overseas, you know that this is not an exaggeration.
The British, in particular, are terrible at pies.* Horrifyingly so. Anyone who thinks a British pie is good has never had a decent pie from anywhere else, let alone a pie from New Zealand. But you can’t tell them this – the national myth claims that British pies are excellent. As a result, they do not think that their pies can or should be improved. This is the sort of abomination that British people think is a good pie. Look at it. Actually, don’t. It’s offensive to nature. And don’t start me on pork pies. Horrid, gritty balls of fat, gristle and aspic.
(I should note that every British person I know who’s been to New Zealand since I emigrated here, I have advised to get a pie. Every single one of them has sent me a message while over in New Zealand telling me I’m right. That’s a great appeal to my ego on top of the obvious vindication.)
Because of this failure of British culture, I have spent nearly 20 years being forced to perfect my own pie recipes in order to have a good pie now and again, because I cannot rely on Britain to provide one. This isn’t the worst thing that could happen – I now know how to make a pretty decent pie – but sometimes I just want to be able to get a pie from the shop and not be facing disappointment.
There are certain features that make a good pie:
- Flaky pastry top and bottom
Note that flaky pastry isn’t puff pastry, and it certainly isn’t shortcrust. If I want a dry, bland pie stuffed with disappointment, I’ll use shortcrust. If I want a pie that doesn’t taste of misery, I’ll use flaky pastry. Flaky pastry is most similar to rough puff, but actually a bit easier to make as long as your kitchen isn’t too hot. It’s also more flexible and durable than puff pastry, which leads into the next point.
Some people in NZ think shortcrust is okay for the bottom of the pie. Those people, I assume, are Australians. - Able to be eaten by hand – cutlery not necessary
An ideal pie is eaten from a paper bag held in the hand. That’s part of the experience. It doesn’t affect the flavour, of course, but it does show that the pastry is well made, as noted above – the pastry needs some flexibility to hold up under these conditions. - Temperature
This is pretty famous in NZ – a pie should ideally be ready to eat when you get it. You shouldn’t need it too cool down too much, and you also should never receive a cold pie. Relevant iconic cultural moment: Always blow on the pie. - Simplicity of filling
A good pie doesn’t need a massive number of flavours or textures competing for your attention. The classic is mince and cheese – a perfect savoury blend. Ramming peas, carrots and corn into your mince pie is a crime. Some bakeries do this despite it very clearly being a terrible mistake.
On my trip through New Zealand over Christmas, I decided to keep a log of all the pies I ate. Not just so I can reminisce about how good the pies are, but so I can explain to all of you just how bad your pies are with illustrations and notes. If I had the energy, I’d even include charts. Also so I can improve my own pies.
I guess if you do ever visit New Zealand, you can take my notes with you and ensure you sample the best pies.
So, in chronological order.
Jimmy’s mince and cheese
Jimmy’s is the classic where I’m from. They’re made in Roxburgh, and for many years you couldn’t find them north of Timaru. I managed to get this one in Nelson, which is several hundred kilometres north of Timaru, so I guess things have changed a bit. The pie had obviously been in the pie warmer for too long, but it was a lovely way to start my pie journey.
The classic Jimmy’s is quite salty, but this serves to improve the flavour of the cheese. It’s often easy to miss the cheese otherwise. If you’re in the South Island and not sure where to begin on your own pie journey, a Jimmy’s mince and cheese provides an excellent baseline. It’s a very solid upper-middle tier pie, and kind on the wallet.
Devon Bakery mince and cheese
This pie came fairly highly recommended on Tripadvisor, which I should have realised was a mistake. Tourists use Tripadvisor. Tourists do not yet understand the joy of a good pie.
This one was, sadly, fairly plain (and, as you can see from the picture, a bit on the pale side, which should have been a giveaway). The gravy was bland; the cheese was unremarkable. Annoyingly, it also used shortcrust for the bowl of the pie rather than being flaky all round. It was otherwise competently made – it didn’t fall apart and it was a good temperature.
However, the coffee from the same place was overfilled and insanely hot. I nearly gave myself third degree burns just getting it to my table.
Patisserie Royale steak and beer
On a day trip out of Nelson, we stopped at a nice cafe in Motueka. Sadly, they didn’t have mince and cheese, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. There are plenty of other excellent pie fillings. So I thought I’d give this a go – in the UK, this would be a perfectly normal default pie filling, although it would be specifically ‘ale’ rather than ‘beer’.
Sadly, the flavour of the beer was not apparent. Just tasted like a plain steak pie. Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing, but it seems a waste of whatever beer they used. Despite this, it was a very good pie – it was filled precisely and all the fat had rendered into the gravy rather than finding chunks of it still stuck to the meat. I’d certainly go back to the cafe to try their other pies.
Rivers Cafe Murchison mince and cheese pasty.
When we passed through Murchison on our way south, we stopped at what seemed to be the most popular cafe in town. There was a very long queue and the promise of a large variety of pies. Sadly, all the pies they still had in stock were infected with mushrooms. In case you’re unaware: I’m allergic to mushrooms. This annoyed me greatly.
Anyway, rather than queue up again somewhere else, I made a rookie mistake and ordered a pasty. This was a ‘mince and cheese’ pasty, which I figured was close enough to a pie filling, but should have warned me off because it’s a gibberish filling for a pasty. Just as the UK is terrible at pies, NZ is awful at pasties. For quite a long time, I was afraid to try pasties when I moved to the UK because the ones in NZ are so goddamned atrocious. Still, I had made my order so I would have to at least give it a go.
Some sick godless motherfuckers put potato, peas, carrot and FUCKING SWEETCORN in the pasty. I can forgive the potato – it’s a pasty, so that at least makes sense. However, there was also no gravy – that’s right: it was just grey mince mixed with potatoes, peas, carrots and sweetcorn. To make matters worse, it was shortcrust and, as you can see, didn’t feature the normal pasty handle.
Could this pasty be worse still? Yes, of course it could. All the cheese that the pasty claimed to include had collected on one side and turned to rubber. This was a truly awful experience. That any town could countenance a pasty like this is criminal. I shall never return to Murchison.
Four Square Murchison Kai Pies mince and cheese
As you might imagine, I couldn’t finish the ‘pasty’, so on the way back to the car I stopped in at a Four Square (like a corner shop in the UK) and picked up an actual goddamn pie. I was very pleased to discover that it was a perfectly normal mince and cheese pie. It was nothing special, but at least it was an actual pie and it didn’t suck.
Hanmer Bakery and Cafe mince and cheese
Hanmer Springs is a very nice sort of resorty town in the mountains. It’s mostly famous for its hot springs. We spent a few days there, during which I mostly neglected my pie journey. There was a pie stand in the middle of the town, but I had to discount it as an option because it advertised itself as being “Swiss” pies. I have no idea what a Swiss pie is, but I have to assume that, by default, it is inferior. It was also closed most of the time we were there.
The pie I did eventually get was quite good. It did break my pastry rule by having a shortcrust base (this was a real shame because the flaky pastry lid was very, very good), but otherwise it was up to scratch. In particular, I noted that it had a very tasty gravy that didn’t overwhelm the cheese. That’s quite a balancing act.
Four ‘n Twenty slow-cooked beef and pepper
We were on a long drive from one place to another and the town we ended up in only had a little shop, which only had these. I can’t even remember what the town was called, but I’ll make a point of remembering what it looked like so I can boycott it in the future.
Why? Because this pie is Australian. It was embarrassingly small. The pastry was pale and dry. The supposed “slow-cooked beef and pepper” tasted of pepper and nothing else.
I’m sure some Australian will insist that this is an anomaly, but it’s not far off my experience with other pies from Australia. You guys are better at pies than the British, but that’s really not much of an achievement.
Fairlie Bakehouse mince and cheese
I feel I should introduce the Fairlie Bakehouse with its reputation.
Fairlie Bakehouse is generally regarded as having the best pies in the country. They’ve won awards, but not as many as you’d think. There’s a really simple reason for this: the competitions are all held in the North Island, and require the competitors to provide a freshly baked pie. For bakeries in the South Island, that means setting up a temporary professional-grade kitchen in the North Island. For a pie competition. We may take our pies seriously, but we also recognise how dumb that would be. Hence, if you look at all the annual pie awards in NZ, they’re dominated by the North Island. Funny how it’s easier and cheaper to provide a fresh pie when you’re at least on the same island.
And despite all this, people still recognise that Fairlie Bakehouse, even if there’s no proof it’s the best in the country, is a damn fine baker of pies.
I’d never actually made it here before. When I lived in NZ, I very rarely had cause to pass through (or even really very close) to Fairlie. I should have made the effort.
This pie was truly worthy of the bakery’s reputation. This was very likely the most perfect pie I’ve ever eaten – a religious experience for a dedicated pie lover. It had magnificent flaky pastry all the way round. It was perfectly seasoned, and the cheese accentuated the mince rather than competing with it.
I would have gone back for more, but there was an enormous queue. Fairlie Bakehouse was clearly the primary tourist attraction in town.
Christina had the vegan mince and cheese and was equally impressed. I’ve tried over the years to develop a vegetarian mince and cheese pie for her so she can appreciate its beauty, but I’ve never really managed to. I can make a pretty decent one, but she did tell me that, alas, I’m not as good at it as the Fairlie Bakehouse.
Doughbins Wanaka mince and cheese
Wanaka is basically Christina’s favourite place in the world. If you ever go to NZ as a tourist, you’ll probably get told to go to Queenstown. Don’t do that. Go to Wanaka. It’s much, much nicer, just as pretty, and has about 90% fewer tourists. It also has what might be the most photographed tree in the world.
This was a pretty good pie. It ticked all the boxes you want to be ticked by a pie, but it was perhaps a little less well seasoned than a classic Jimmy’s. Very much a solid choice for a pie.
While we ate our pies on the beach, some crafty ducks kept sidling up hoping to steal bits of pastry. One of them even faked a limp that miraculously disappeared when a tourist nearby tossed some food for the ducks.
Jimmy’s fresh mince and cheese
Any visit to Otago is not complete without paying homage at the Pie Mecca of Jimmy’s in Roxburgh. Now, Jimmy’s isn’t the best pie in NZ. It’s probably not even close to that. But it is a reliable and delicious pie that has fuelled many students through their years at university in Dunedin. I was once one of those students. I have eaten many hundreds of Jimmy’s mince and cheese pieces. I remember the days when they cost $2.15 from the 24-hour dairy. Would you believe I never put on weight at university? I credit Jimmy’s mince and cheese pies.
Not only did I have to make regular treks to get a pie, I would do so in all weather. Nothing could stop me getting a pie. Snow, rain, wind, exams, orientation week. Nothing. The effort I would put into getting a pie clearly kept me fit and healthy.
Anyway, the real delight of going to Roxburgh is having a truly fresh Jimmy’s mince and cheese. The variety from a dairy in Dunedin is obviously not too far off this, but it might have been kept in the pie warmer too long. It might be from a frozen batch and not as fresh as it could be. So a real, fresh pie from Jimmy’s in Roxburgh is just that little bit more magical. I mean, look at it. It’s like a unicorn, if unicorns were made of pastry and delicious to eat.
If I must be critical, it doesn’t match up to the Fairlie pie – the pastry is a little thinner and the mince texture isn’t quite as refined – but that’s a tall order for any bakery.
Croque-o-dile (Dunedin Botanic gardens) mince and cheese
Dunedin is what I consider my home town, and the botanic gardens are really one of the city’s jewels. In the middle of the gardens is Croque-o-dile, which has never been refurbished as far as I can tell. It has a weird sort of charm as this slightly quirky structure housing what feels a bit like an English tea room from the 60s.
Matching up to its quirkiness, the pie was also quite non-traditional.
It had very thin pastry, which lacked the structural integrity to be completely eaten from the hand, so I scalded my fingers a couple of times when the pastry failed. They also elected to put the cheese below rather than on top of the mince. I’ve literally never seen this before, so it was a bit of a shock to discover. The second shock was that it actually worked: the cheese retained some stringiness and was distinct from the mince and gravy somehow. The mince itself was also nicely seasoned. Shame about the pastry, really.
Aroha Cafe Auckland Airport mince and cheese
Maybe this pie was intended for British diners? It was burnt like I’ve seen many British pies. Dry and crumbly pastry that threatened to collapse at a moment’s notice. And yet, somehow, it also had too much cheese. I have to wonder what it might have been like if it hadn’t been so overcooked. Maybe a decent pie was hiding in there ten minutes before they removed it from the oven.
It was a little sad, really, that this was the final pie of my journey.
To compensate, I have been endeavouring to truly master the mince and cheese at home. I occasionally dream of quitting my job and just making pies, but then I remember that making pastry that’s 50% butter is a massive pain in the arse unless you live in a fridge. Maybe, one day, I’ll invest in a walk-in chiller, and then I can make all the pies I shall ever need.
* In defence of British food (other than pies), they do make a lot of excellent dishes, and the British sausage roll, which is really a close companion to a pie, is unbeaten in my experience. British food has some genuinely magnificent dishes, but pies are most assuredly not one.
Fet Paints 